Friday, December 9, 2011

The Worst Christmas Songs of All Time

And here it is, the untold reason why suicides increase over the holidays:
it's the damn Christmas songs!

I take Seconal cos' I'm not jolly -
My ears do bleed from caroling folly -

So, last year I gave you my favorite tunes for this time of year, 'Tis The Season: Great Christmas & Winter Rock Songs; however, I am overcome with a certain air of hoary grinchification for 2011 that has nearly overwhelmed the faint pulse of Christmas Spirit sludging through my icy veins.

Perhaps it is because shopping malls start advertising Christmas sales at the same time I am buying sandals and suntan lotion for the beach (hell, we're almost at the point where ads will trumpet "The 365 Days of Continual Christmas Sale"). Or maybe it's the asinine side-stepping perambulations, permutations, connivery, condescension and intransigent flummery of the U.S. Congress (both the Demoblicans and Republicrats, they all suck) who have taken inaction and partisanship to an intractable level unseen since Timmy and Bobby engaged in an all-day staring contest back in kindergarten. It could be that nearly every damn thing in stores is now made in China (including lights, tinsel and ornaments) - AND THEY DON'T EVEN CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS IN CHINA! Hey, let's poison the family with a Christmas tree that has carcinogenic cadmium and lead-based ornaments from China! As stocking-stuffers we can give the kids chemotherapy gift cards!

Ahem. Okay, I am done ranting for the moment. But instead of dwelling on the misery of millions of Americans who are unemployed or underemployed...HEY! That's another thing I wanted to bitch about. Do you think if the U.S. had a healthy economy, that any retailer in its right mind would try to open at 4:00 AM in the morning on a holiday weekend? Employees would walk out en masse and go get real jobs. With adequate wages. And health care. And pensions. You know, like in the 1990s. But nowadays, there are no real jobs for millions. They have to scrape up crumbs like rats just to get by. But remarkably, corporations make billions in profits, and millionaires still get tax breaks because, after all, they are the ones spawning these minimum wage jobs while sending good paying jobs offshore. Yeah, merry f'ing X-mas.

Oh...sorry. Now where was I? Ah yes, bad Christmas songs, ill-conceived holiday hymns, and tear-jerking tunes written by cynical lyricists intent on drowning you in sentimentality while they wrest away your hard-earned cash better spent on another paisley tie for dad or battery-operated footies for mom. And so, after some in-depth research and intense soul-searching (actually, it took a few of hours and several pints of Guinness), I have compiled what I consider the 15 most irritating, insulting, just plain inane and doltish Christmas songs ever spewed upon the unsuspecting public. No, I didn't include dogs barking out "Jingle Bells" or anthropomorphic chipmunks, these are actual releases from purportedly talented performers recorded in actual studios (I'll leave the final judgment regarding talent up to you):


Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmastime
The staggering height of Paul McCartney's solo career. This is a man who could compose such touching songs as "Eleanor Rigby" and "Let It Be", but here we find him diddling with a synthesizer and uttering blandities. But then again, he also co-wrote the insipid "Ebony and Ivory" (with Stevie Wonder) and "Say Say Say" (with Michael Jackson), so I suppose he did have the capacity for far greater atrocities.

Elton John - Step into Christmas
I don't know which is worse, this song or Elton John's outfit in the video.

New Kids on the Block - Funky, Funky Christmas
Another reason why condoms should be mandatory in mobile home parks. Or New Jersey tenements. Or wherever New Kids on the Block were conceived.


Smashing Pumpkins - Christmastime
If John Wayne Gacy made a holiday music video, it would be something like this. Billy Corrigan's bald pate and menacing brow has no place in a Christmas video. Utterly disturbing.

The Ramones - Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)
It's just not Christmas without Joey Ramone. Just like it's not Easter without Marilyn Manson. I'm sorry, was that a bit too incongruous? Are you sure?

John Denver - Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk this Christmas)
From a guy who was arrested on two separate DUI's before his ultimate demise, I find this song ironic.


Bob Seger - The Little Drummer Boy
Didn't anyone in the studio have the balls to tell Mr. Seger that this tune was out of his range? With the amount of straining in this song, I hope Bob was wearing a hernia truss.

Madonna - Santa Baby
Madonna is Betty Boop on steroids. Neither sexy nor seductive, I hope Santa wrapped his candy cane before sliding down Madonna's well-worn chimney.

Cindy Lauper - Christmas Conga
Ms. Lauper, does the term "ill-advised" mean anything to you? Obviously not.


Gayla Peevey - I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
My vote for the most obnoxious and nasally Christmas tripe ever recorded.

Lou Monte - Dominick the Donkey
Hmmm...let me many ludicrous Italian stereotypes can I shove in one song?

The Beach Boys - Santa's Beard
Note to Beach Boys: don't record when you're bored. Or when you have writer's block and find it necessary to repeat the same lines several hundred times.


Clay Aiken - Merry Christmas With Love
This is the reason why winners of American Idol should be euthanized immediately after the final show. If you're despondent and looking for a Christmas song to slit your wrists by, I recommend this one.

NewSong - The Christmas Shoes
Awww...the grimy urchin wants to buy his dying mother a new pair of shoes so she can look good when she goes to meet Jesus. This song was brought to you by the makers of the new Sweet N' Low Intravenous Saccharine Delivery System(TM).

Dan Fogleberg - Same Old Lang Syne
He checked her out in frozen foods, took her groceries to the checkout stand, the food was totalled up and bagged, then they bought a six-pack at a liquor store. Ah, it's the details that make a truly memorable holiday song!

In closing, as my Irish relatives would say, "Nollaig Shona Duit", and my Italian relatives would reply, "Buon Natale"; but whatever the language, color or creed, I hope you and yours have a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy, Peaceful New Year. Thank the imaginary, bearded deity floating benignly up in the clouds that this miserable year is almost over!